Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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