apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
