i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize