I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
