when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
