Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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