if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
