I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
