Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
