This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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