I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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