omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
