you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
