Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
