I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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