Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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