I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
