I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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