Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
