the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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