TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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