Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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