Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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