and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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