My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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