I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
