so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
