omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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