Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize