The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
