I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
