Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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