She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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