I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
