I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
