My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
