When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
