Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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