how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
