You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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