i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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