Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
