I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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