3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
