He disabled his match.com account in front of me
honey bunches of taint.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
