he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
