I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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