How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
