my phone needs a breathalizer
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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