Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
