He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
