Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
