why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
