Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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