I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
