I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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