Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dignity is for republicans.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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