I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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