My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
