Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize