no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
