I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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