Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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