I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
